"Now I really was wide awake! "What?" It's decided."I must have sounded frantic. "'It's decided'? What do you mean'it's decided'? Things like that don't decide themselves! Whodecided?"She didn't move, just maintained that calm poise, still looking outthe window. Away. Not looking at me. Too cowardly?"I did. I decided. It's done."She leaned down and with one hand set her cup and saucer on thefloor, then turned toward me. I glimpsed her face only fleetinglybefore it disappeared into the silhouette of her head, dark as herhair against all that diffused light. No, not cowardly, not atall! Rather, strangely unconcerned. She'd been furtive when westarted this affair a month ago, self-conscious, aware of otherswatching, but then increasingly open, as if she no longer caredwhat other people in the office thought, not even what her husbandmight think if he knew. Now, at her ease, she was telling me wewere no longer lovers."It's done. It's over."Did she know what pain those. The truth was, Idid have second thoughts. There were plenty of times I picked up the phone and dialed the first 6 digits of Alex's private number ... but each time something stopped me. Sure, there are plenty of guys who would be envious of me right now ... but I wasn't sure that many would actually go through with it if given the chance. So why was I going through with it?My mind went numb as I remembered the smell of her perfume. That wonderful sent that would soon be with me constantly. Images of her long black hair reaching down just past the arch of her back; those beautiful tan legs closing around me as she shared with me her most intimate moments ... filling me with part of her self ... using me ... in the most degrading way imaginable ... To experience that day after day, for me at least, is worth suffering for ... and even dying for.But for a moment, when the car arrived 5:59pm, I felt that panicked sensation once again. My life is over if I step into that car. My heart.
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